Sarah Dickmann, lmft
1. How would you best describe your particular sexual dysfunction?
a. I can’t see my penis.
b. I’m unable to access YouPorn on my iPhone.
c. I masturbate to Kim Kardashian’s mobile app.
d. I chose a sexual therapist named Dickmann.
2. You suffer from premature ejaculation if…
a. You come while watching the opening credits of The Bachelor.
b. Your favorite band is Limp Bizkit.
c. You can correctly spell and know the definition of f-l- a-c- c-i- d.
d. You climaxed before you reach this option.
3. Does size matter?
a. To whom?
b. Size of what?
c. Only in the NBA.
d. Sarah Dickmann says that’s what strap-ons are for.
4. How do you restore the passion in a long-term marriage?
a. Increase the limit on your wife’s credit card.
b. Binge-watch “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”
c. Two words: Ashley Madison.
d. Imagine you’re not married.
5. Do you enjoy cunnilingus?
a. Yes, especially if they’re versed in Shakespeare.
b. No, I’d rather he put his money where his mouth is.
c. Does a Jew eat gefilte fish at Passover?
d. Only if he brushes his teeth and flosses first.
6. Is there such a thing as the G-spot?
a. As likely as there is a Sasquatch.
b. If there is, my husband is still looking for it.
c. Make a sharp left at the uterus and pull into the clitoris.
d. Can you find it on a GPS?
7. As a sexual therapist, who is Sarah Dickmann most like?
a. Her accent is closer to Dr. Ruth, but her bedside manner is more like Dr. Phil.
b. Less wrinkly than Dr. Ruth, more hair than Dr. Phil.
c. More like the chick from Broad City than either.
d. Both, if Dr. Ruth was a pole-dancer and Dr. Phil was a spoiled Jewish-American Princess.
8. What is Kenny’s fixation with whipped cream?
a. It reminds him of cum.
b. It feels good on his nipples.
c. He gets off on the nitrous oxide.
d. It takes his mind off working for a neurotic sex therapist.
9. What was the defining moment in your own sexual history?
a. The time I had a hard on for 24 hours on Cialis.
b. Tying my penis like a balloon animal into an elephant’s trunk.
c. Shtupping chopped liver while reading Portnoy’s Complaint.
d. Climbing the rope in gym class.
10. What was Sarah Dickmann’s most rewarding piece of advice in treatment?
a. We take American Express and Pay Pal.
b. Your wife/husband doesn’t understand you.
c. Always have an extra supply of Double-A Duracells.
d. It’s not the size of the boat, but what’s in the boat’s bank account.